Top 5 Movie-Ruiners

Going to movies used to be a big deal. People would show up, sit in their seats and quiet themselves when the trailers started. Now the audience thinks they are auditioning for America’s Got Talent. These are my Top 5 Offenders.

#5 – The Couple That Couldn’t Find a Babysitter So Thought it Was OK to Bring the Whole Fam-Damly to Saw 17

I can understand bringing a 15 or 16 year old. Maybe even 13. But when you are laying toys out on the stairs for the kid, who can’t walk, to play with, you are clearly no longer contributing to society in a positive way. People are worried about violent cartoons effects on children – I’m worried about the toddler watching his parents laugh at the guy who just had his tailbone exit his mouth via a system of pulleys and razor blades.

#4 – The Girl Who Can’t Stop Checking Her Text Messages

You’ll be totally engaged in the movie, then you see the bright light in front of you, no attempt to hide it. How important do you have to be to think someone can’t wait 2 hours to get your reply? They don’t issue missing person alerts for 48 hours. You aren’t going to get your name on the freeway sign if you don’t reply. And this person usually has 15 people with them. Who did you leave behind that needs constant updates? Your brother in the Saw 17 movie theater?

#3 – The Person Needing to Know What is GOING to Happen

Usually a girl. They sit down, the movie starts. Something happens on screen, then they lean over and ask out loud “Who did that?” The guy usually replies in a whisper “I don’t know, I’m watching it for the first time too.” Then she will ask “Why did they do that?” He will tell her “I don’t know. I’m watching it with you.” THEN she will say “I don’t understand what’s going on.” And that’s usually when he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and leaves her there. She can find the exit with the light of the text message girls phone.

#2 – The People With No Concept of Personal Space

More than once my wife and I have sat down in an empty theater. Maybe 20 people total. And without fail one of two things happen:

1 – Someone finds the sudden urge to sit in the seat in front of me that my feet are resting on. There are literally dozens of empty seats. Why the one that I am using as a foot rest? And they always act like they don’t see you, too. They slowly sit down giving you just enough time to debate kicking them or being a civilized human being.

2 – They sit down right next to you. Not even leaving an empty seat as a buffer. Right next to me. Like I want to smell their 4 hour old pizza from the warmer tray. And they act like this is normal. This behavior is very specific to single 30 somethings and extremely nerve-racking to me. Maybe they can sit next to the chick who wants to talk during the whole movie.

#1 – The Unfunny Douchebag

This guy is the worst. 10 times out of 10 he is the third wheel while his buddy is on a date. This is the Abercrombie & Fitch reject that finds it necessary to laugh uncontrollably when he sees an actor on screen – who hasn’t even said anything yet. He’ll see Seth Rogan walk into  the scene and just laugh hysterically. He is making jokes that 7 year old’s might laugh at. He is the one repeating some random Jim Carrey line from 1994 at the top of his lungs. He’s telling the guy 4 people over from him that this part is funny – with a megaphone. And he is doing this because he believes you are being entertained by it. And in hopes his buddy’s date notices him. He needs to go sit by the personal space invader.

About Zero Brass

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