Super nonPowers

My wife was sitting at the park watching our 3 year old daughter. She was watching her because my daughter has a very deadly nemesis known as gravity. Gravity is always picking on her and throwing her around. If I lived in the dark or stone ages I might attribute this to ghosts or demons tormenting her. But I went to a public school so I know gravity when I see it.

My wife’s sister pointed out that as mere mortals they don’t have the super power to stop her from falling with a concentrated stare. Maybe they don’t, but I have a few super powers I am only now releasing to the public.

The power to look sexy. That sounds like more of a natural gift you are born with, but given the amount of mexican food and ranch dressing I consume, it’s pretty spectacular.

The ability to come home. If the kids are acting up, mom tells them to wait til I get home. This is the best power because I don’t have to do crap.

The ability to make kids under 14 flinch. You think it’s because I’m bigger than they are? Me too. But every time my daughter flinches and accidentally runs into a wall because of it, I become a better person.

The omnipotent power to know everything. Why does it rain? God is crying because you didn’t eat your vegetables.

The gestational prowess to consume large pieces of meat. That is why the dad always gets the big piece of meat.

Mom’s have an ability to cause fear just by giving the look. The look that says I know I threaten to leave you at places all the time, but please push me just this once. I got no problem dealing with child services. This power usually manifests itself 2 hours before bedtime on hot days or ten minutes into a shopping trip.

Women can also give men the power to lift unmovable objects. They do this by tickling your neck while promising something in a whisper. Sure you have to rearrange the attic or get the transmission out of the tub. But that secret whispery promise is always worth it.

Women also have the power to forget how many times and for how long you have rubbed her back since your last turn. This also coincides with their ability to think rubbing your back for 2 minutes was really 78 minutes.

About Zero Brass

Don't Worry About It

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