Ballad of Billy Ray Cyrus

 

Mmmmm

William Ray Cyrus was born into the world on August 25, 1961, in Flatwoods, Kentucky to Ron and Ruth Ann Cyrus. His father was a politician, his grandfather a Pentecostal preacher. But Billy Ray had a dark secret – he was left-handed.

With the help of his fathers political connections and grandfathers connections with God, Billy Ray’s first album out the gate was a monster success. Some Gave All catapulted to the #1 spot. The wonderfully maned country boy was living his dream.

America, blinded by the excitement of this rising star, whole heartedly embraced Achy Breaky Heart, the lead single. And then something sinister happened. Something that to this day still hides in the shadows and corners of middle America.

Non-threatening hair

Line-dancing. People once deemed unfit to ask to dance were suddenly swarming the dance floors. There was screaming and gnashing of teeth. Slapping of boots and convulsive spinning. The devil had a hold of the general public. The early 1990’s were indeed a dark time.

But to make this up to us, and to repent of his selling his soul, Billy Ray cut his hair. He quietly disappeared into obscurity. Or so we thought. What really happened was the public turned on him. We were sick of the Achy Breaky Heart. We were upset all of the socially awkward people were still dancing in public in these so called lines. We ignored his other 11, yes eleven, studio albums. So Billy Ray hid, and plotted and schemed and waited for his time to extract revenge.

Miley ‘Diminished Capacity’ Cyrus

He did it the only way the son of a politician and grandson of a preacher could. He turned to christian music, and eventually Disney. He had 6 kids. Some he made, others he adopted. He really only needed 1 of them. The perfect storm of sluttiness and whatever the PC term for diminished capacity is. Just like his first album, the first child was the winner, and the rest were progressively worse. He called the revenge baby Miley.

Under the guise of family entertainment, he snuck Miley in like a trojan horse into the living rooms of impressionable children the world over via Hannah Montana. When he had the trust of parents and families everywhere he released her music on us, followed by her trampy turn of style. We all thought that was enough, but then he released the most inappropriate pictures with a daughter ever.

Trace Cyrus

Somehow we have survived the Miley attack. Some of us still don’t talk about it. Others hide their ticket stubs and Hannah Montana merchandise in closets and trash bins. Most Americans go about their day with the knowledge that they caused this in the back of their minds. If only they had just shown Billy Ray the love and respect he deserved. If they hadn’t of used him up and his Line-dance revolution. Billy Ray still hurts from this betrayal from America. And he willingly pulled Miley from the media. But before he retracted Miley from our public eye, he left one grave warning. A reminder of what he is capable of and the destruction he can cause. He left us knowing about his evil son Trace.

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