Baby Names

When my kids were born they were so beautiful and innocent. My wife and I had discussed what names to give them and what the names would represent to them and the meaning they carried. All of our kids carry a family name. It gives them a sense of belonging and history.

But what the hell are some of you doing? There are a lot of you just making stuff up to be unique. I don’t think Nevaeh is going to succeed in the world because you thought Heaven spelled backwards was cute. You may have destined her to head cashier at Pac Sun.

For those of you that named your kid after an item – such as Lexus, Chandelier, Sapphire or Mercedes – that’s a strippers stage name. You could even throw in Diamond and Jewel. To prevent this, just make sure that your kids name doesn’t makes sense preceded by the phrase ‘Gentlemen, next up on the main stage is. . .’

Some of you have taken the route of ‘Let’s be unique!’ and have set on the path of destroying the English language. I remember when I could spell Amy right without asking. Now I have to remember to ask how many I’s and E’s and M’s to add. Do you have an ‘FF’ or ‘PH’ or just an ‘F’ in Tiffany? Or is it ‘IE’ instead of ‘Y’ now? The best documented case ever is La-A. That name is properly pronounced ‘La Dash A’. Link HERE. You ever wondered why rappers talk the way they do? They learned to spell and talk with their names first.

Do you suffer from OCD? You might have felt the urge to use names that sound good in a box set. Like all ‘J’ names, or names that end in -lyn. This is when you force a different gender name on the wrong sex because it fit in your little name game. Way to focus on the child. It must feel silly to write all of those names on Christmas cards. Or have little Jaime wonder why Kotex sent him a box with fireworks on it when he turned 12.

If you can’t say “And the next president of the United States is (your kids name here)” without laughing or feeling ashamed, you have failed. I know it’s petty, but if I am going in to have a doctor operate on me and the last thing I read before going under is their name tag that says ‘Crayola Smith’, I might die of fright.

I realize it’s too late to adjust this mistake. Eventually your kid will adjust to the looks of ‘Really?’ when they correct the person taking their information – No, my name is spelled K A U R L E, like the classic name Carl, but spelled like a complete reject, thanks to my common decency challenged parents. Lets just hope you didn’t name all of your kids after cities you have never been to.

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About Zero Brass

Don't Worry About It

5 responses to “Baby Names”

  1. headbrass says :

    Hey Babe, who the hell is that baby????? 🙂


  2. Esther Longmore says :

    Your post had me laughing out loud! (As usual.) I’m so glad someone else feels this way!!! The “creative” names have become an epidemic in this society. I once read an article about a study which indicated that parents who have more education are more likely to give their child a solid, strong, traditional name, as opposed to the made up names or spellings usually given by less educated parents.


    • headbrass says :

      That sounds right. In the Freakonomics book and movie there is a section where they send out two resumes, both identical except for the names. One is Julie and one is something like Lafawnda. Guess who got the call backs?


  3. Kristan says :

    Love it! I like the president comment. A great litmus test!


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