Fast Five – Best Movie Of 2011
Best movie of the year? Fast Five. Sit back and watch me wax this homo-erotic movie to a manly shine. After watching Ocean’s 11, the producers of Fast Five must of wondered how do you make George Clooney staring at Brad Pitt while he eats non-stop in every scene any gheyer? Maybe a sweaty wrestler coming between Vin Diesel and Paul Walkers’ sexual tension? And Fast Five was born.
From the first scene you know you are in the presence of greatness. This rag-tag group that NEVER does anything wrong, whom you are supposed to be rooting for, who doesn’t believe in violence – does this to a prison transport bus. So you know, there are prison guards, the driver, and maybe 30 inmates. And lets say that maybe half of those inmates are in for petty crimes and don’t deserve the death penalty.
It’s cool, everyone lived and Vin Diesel didn’t even have a scratch or bruise on his swelled up body. In case you forgot, at the end of part 4 Vin WANTED to go back to prison. He was sick of running. They destroyed this bus and everyone inside hoping he had changed his mind. Awesome.
Then some plot happens. They meet up with Vince, who is the guy you hire when Josh Brolin is too expensive. He’s still all pissy about Paul walker being a cop or something. Put he has a job for them that will make lots of money. Because somehow after all of the heists they have pulled they are all broke. But even though they are all wanted by the FBI, they are still good people. Just misunderstood and have expensive taste.
And by now the camera has shown the statue of Jesus about 12 times because they are in Rio de Janeiro. Did I mention that the Paul’s girlfriend, Vin’s sister, is pregnant? We’ll get back to that in a minute. Because The Rock just showed up and he smuggled in oil. But instead of keistering it like a normal person, he just wore it. Or maybe he is all sweaty and nervous from being around Vin Diesel. Who knows.
So the gang just has to steal a few cars from a train guarded by FBI people, while it is moving. That’s easy. During the heist Pauly boy and Vin get stuck on the train and have to make a daring escape. Please, watch the clip below so we can clear a few things up.
I can suspend belief that they lived through that. We’ll just say that the car displaced the water enough so they could land safely in it. What I can’t do is understand why the rest of the movie wasn’t those two high fiving each other and telling everyone about how amazing that was. They never mention this again. I would be 90 years old telling people the story about the time I fell off of a 3 mile cliff in a car from an exploding train AND LIVED!!
Anyways, The Rock finds all of them and they go on a foot chase. Through the biggest shanty town ever. In this next clip, remember, she is pregnant.
So the men are gravity proof and the women have uterus’s made of titanium. This is why I love this movie. Still, they aren’t talking about the cliff jump from a car. Anyways, they have an idea to rob the evil cartel drug lord crime boss stereotype. And to do that they get the crew back together. YEAH!!
In this elaborate plan they, in the course of maybe two or three days, have at least a million dollars of equipment brought in, purchase a custom 20 x 30 safe that is over-nighted, and steal cars. They are doing this for one last job to retire. If you have the kind of pull and money to set stuff up like this, you already have enough money to retire. And then The Rock and Vin decide to use ballroom dancing to solve their differences.
After watching all of the skinny new action stars lately in movies it was fantastic to watch two beef cakes man dance around and through a warehouse.
What happens next is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. To get back at the generic bad guy, they steal the safe directly from the police station that holds all of his money. They hook up a 2 ton safe to two cars and drag it through the city of Rio de Janeiro. And by drag it I mean destroy the city and kill innocent bystanders.
It doesn’t show it in the clip, but Paul Walker’s woman says immediately after that scene “Did you guys just destroy a bank?” with a grin on her face. These innocent people fighting back against the evil token bad guy are killing people and destroying property and they think it is funny. I love this movie.
And if you have been a loyal fan of this series, which you should be, there is an awesome scene after the credits setting up the 6th movie. And it has to be named Furious Six. I want that title so bad. But this is everything I love about this masterpiece. This is why you go to the movies. This is why people get inspired. This is why doves cry. This is what Willis was talking about. This is what Jane said. This is the next level in film making. This is it in all of it’s homoerotic glory. Everything that a movie should be. I have made my family watch this at least 4 times. I make people who stop by monkey headquarters watch this. I share the gospel of Dom. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best movie of 2011 – FAST FIVE.