Is Beating Teenagers OK?

My daughter came from school yesterday, mostly because school was over. But when she did she was upset for about an hour over a boy. Her eyes just looked sad. The kind of sad you have no choice but to give a hug without asking if it is OK. And it was so devastating to see a young lady feel that way. And in the moments of seeing her, I discovered something about myself in that moment. I have a seriously dark, twisted mind. The first thoughts through my head, in order, were –

1 – Do I know a teenager willing to beat someone with an aluminum bat for money?

2 – How long could I go to jail for beating a teenager? And if so, is it worth it?

3 – I bet the local scout troop would be willing to water board this douche bag if I paid for some sort of scout-a-rama camp for them.

4 – Do I know anyone willing to Joe Pesci this kid?

5 – Has my 5 year old son watched enough ninja movies to handle this for me?

6 – Holy crap Tom Cruise likes to run in the Mission:Impossible movies.

7 – Jail is worth it. Where’s my Louisville Slugger. . .

8 – My wife is hot, I shouldn’t go to jail.

9 – You know what, my 5 year old son could do this, he just needs an all black outfit. . .

10 – Yeah, he better walk away.

11 – I think I have watched every Big Bang Theory episode in the past month.

For legal reasons I would never seriously entertain those thoughts. For fatherly reasons I would totally entertain those thoughts. So here I am. Some waste of skin hurts my daughter and suddenly I want to make Freddy Krueger think I crossed the line. Is it weird I feel safe knowing that my daughter has a dad at home that has watched American Psycho a million times. One that has watched Casino and Heat and Goodfellas and was able to justify the beatings in those movies because they deserved it.

Anyways, I found out that my daughters feelings, when affected by complete ignorant bastards, break me. And that my wife’s hottness popped into my mind for a reason to stay cool. If you are a scout troop or teenager looking to make some extra money hit me up.

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About Zero Brass

Don't Worry About It

3 responses to “Is Beating Teenagers OK?”

  1. Anonymous says :

    Get a grip. It’s the teenage years. This is the first of many episodes.


  2. headbrass says :

    I hope so! It’s hard watching this.


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