Stephenie Meyers Challenge

I received a message the other day containing a challenge. It might as well have been a Triple Dog Dare, considering the contents. The jest of it was –

Can you put all the Stephenie Meyers haters in their place? Yes, the books aren’t classics but they weren’t meant to be. The woman had a dream, wrote about it and did a good enough job to make $382 million dollars off the Twilight book alone! I get so tired of people talking bad about her! She is a housewife for Pete’s sake! I think she’s great!

Can I put the haters of one of the biggest crimes against humanity in their place. I thought it over for about 15 seconds and then said ‘Challenge accepted.’ The place that they are going to be put in might not be socially acceptable though.

Full disclosure: One of the reasons I decided to start this website was because of people like Mrs. Meyer. She took a wild swing and connected. One thing you cannot take away from her is the fact that she wanted something better, and did something about it. She wrote a book (or 5) to be her son’s stay at home Mom. That is admirable. It almost makes me feel bad for what I have to say later.

She had never even written a short story before writing Twilight. This may sound surprising unless you have read the actual books. I would venture to guess that she has never watched or read anything about vampires since her vampires have nothing to do with the traditional mythology of them. And before I get to putting all of you haters in your place, I have to point out the atrocities that have been inflicted upon the world because of Stephenie.

  • Vampire’s don’t sparkle
  • Edward Cullen is a pedophile; he is 100+ years old and hangs out in high schools to meet underage girls
  • Bella is a carbon copy of Stephanie Meyer – see below picture
  • Bella is one of the worst all-time role models for a girl – she ceases to exist if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, one of the worst things you could ever teach a girl. She is submissive and insecure
  • Every other word in the books was replaced by whatever word Thesaurus.com suggested
  • There is no plot to the books – the plot is Bella loves Edward, Jacob wants Bella because he figures if she is a necrophiliac she must be OK with bestiality. Some vampires want to eat Bella, then they don’t. Then Edward goes on vacation, then he knocks up Bella and she has to convert to his lifestyle to make it work, then Jacob falls in love with Bella’s baby

I could go on and on and on and on. But others have done it bigger and better than I. So with all of this going against Twilight, what could possibly put the haters in their place?

Easy. Kevin Smith, one of the greatest men to ever walk the face of the Earth, enlightened me. All of these little 12 year old girls that have fallen in love with these books, with vampires and small amounts of horror, are going to get older. These girls will have a thirst, if you will, for more vampires. More horror. They are going to think that they should cling to a man no matter what. That they should just die if a man doesn’t love them. These girls are sitting on a farm slowing growing into sci-fi, fantasy and horror fans.

And these Twilight fans started out at the bottom. The got their taste with the bottom of the barrel. Normal people like me (I assume) have read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. We’ve watched Nosferatu, Lost Boys, From Dusk Til Dawn. We know and love these characters. For the Twilight fans, it is only going to get better.

Imagine in junior high you met some girl that was obsessed with Twilight and vampires. So you invite her over and show her the Lost Boys. For her, it would be the equivalent of a blind man seeing for the first time. And you did that for her! You opened her eyes. You showed her that her little shallow understanding of this genre, that she loved so much, was bigger and greater than she ever dreamed of. And you are her guide!

What 'Putty In Your Hands' looks like

So for the haters, patience. In 5 years or so, there are going to be millions of girls ready to be harvested (I know, worst metaphor ever) and shown the light with you as a guide. At the very least we owe Stephenie Meyer a giant debt of gratitude for priming the female youth with a curiosity of the finer arts and genre’s.

As for the adult women fans of Twilight. . . That is hard. The only thing I have for the haters to see in a different light is maybe if they have a wife that is a Twi-tard Twilght fan. . . she secretly wants headboard shattering sex like in the book?

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About Zero Brass

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11 responses to “Stephenie Meyers Challenge”

  1. Brandon Voeller says :

    ha… headboard shattering…

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  2. Anonymous says :

    The quote below from Kevin Smith “one of the greatest men to walk the earth” I assume means that you subscribe to the theory that when you let youth watch horror or violence or pornography they will become more accepting of those things and that is why we accept more garbage in to our homes and it most definitely influences youth in a negative way.

    “These girls will have a thirst, if you will, for more vampires. More horror. They are going to think that they should cling to a man no matter what. That they should just die if a man doesn’t love them. These girls are sitting on a farm slowing growing into sci-fi, fantasy and horror fans”.

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    • headbrass says :

      I had no choice. I was challenged with justifying the worst set of books ever published. And I have spent more energy mocking and burying and banning these books from my house, and ridiculing anyone I know who reads them. Now if mom’s are going to let their kids read these books, and do it with them, that theory holds true and serves all of us. This new crop of fans that have grown up with it will be known by their markings. For example in Revelations Chapter 13:11-18

      11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.
      12 And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed.
      13 And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men,
      14 And deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live.
      15 And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed.
      16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:
      17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
      18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

      From wikipedia –

      As of October 2010, the series has sold over 116 million copies worldwide[5] with translations into at least 38 different languages around the globe.[6][7] The four Twilight books have consecutively set records as the biggest selling novels of 2008 on the USA Today Best-Selling Books list[8] and have spent over 235 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list for Children’s Series Books.

      From Box Office Mojo –

      The Twilight series has grossed over $2,500,000,000.00 worldwide.

      I would say that counts as great wonders, worship and deceivement. If you see someone with a Twilight shirt on instead of a mark on their hand, run. If your child is locked in a room reading these monstrosities over and over, you should see about an exorcist. If you think everything on the internet is fact, click on the red X in the top corner. But now that you know what to look for, you can avoid the Twi-tards and let the thinning of the herd commence! The point of the article is that NOTHING good ever comes from Twilight. Ever.

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  3. Anonymous says :

    I have always believed that the more you watch violence or play violent video games or watch horror movies or other trashy media that it leads to wanting to see more or do more of what you are watching. In other words you become what you watch and ingest in media. Satan always starts with a little and then a little more, He never takes you straight to hell. It’s step by step. A little here and a little there. Is that what you are saying.

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    • headbrass says :

      I am assuming I am replying to the same person, since they are both anonymous. If I was being serious, then yes I agree and say garbage in, garbage out. Just look at anyone who watches The Jersey Shore. But more importantly, Twilight and Stephenie Meyer don’t deserve any more real thought other than ‘Oh, gross’. But if you want to focus attention on the subject, then the real question should be ‘Was it worth having this story read by literally hundreds of millions?’ Because if these books did any real good, they might have gotten people to read, who normally wouldn’t. But the down side is it’s a love triangle between a teenager, and dead 107 year old and a wolfman, that millions of women are championing worldwide. Me pointing out the obvious isn’t the problem. It’s the public buying into crap.
      (You did notice the tagline at the top of the site that says Home Of The Backhanded Compliment, right?)

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  4. Anonymous says :

    I understand your backhanded compliment but I am talking on a larger scale and to a larger problem than just Twilight. So I ask again.

    I have always believed that the more you watch violence or play violent video games or watch horror movies or other trashy media that it leads to wanting to see more or do more of what you are watching. In other words you become what you watch and ingest in media. Satan always starts with a little and then a little more, He never takes you straight to hell. It’s step by step. A little here and a little there. Is that what you are saying.

    Like

  5. RJ says :

    It’s good to hear that you finally agree with what I have tried to teach you all these years as you fought to justify watching some of the crap that you have watched over the years:)

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  6. headbrass says :

    It’s a good thing that the internet isn’t public so no one knows I learned a life lesson because of Twilight in some weird way.

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  7. RJ says :

    Hey, I have to enjoy life’s rewards whenever they come along.

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  8. Ronan says :

    A fun read, thanks for this Monkey.

    Like

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