Footloose (2011)

I was excited to see this remake because the trailers looked like they captured the spirit of the original. And the original is a classic ONLY if you grew up with it. As much as I like to pretend that the movies that came out during my childhood are classics, they are very much movies of their time that only serve to let me reminisce about the good times 15 – 25 years ago. So that said, is the Footloose remake a good movie? You’re going to find out with me because I am writing this as I watch it.

KEEP IN MIND – The preacher who is helping pass all of these silly moral laws, his son killed kids while driving drunk and dancing and his daughter is the town hussy. This family should just be chased out of town if everyone else wants to be free from death and STD’s.

The scene that opens this movies fills in one hole from the original – it shows us why Bomont has the dancing law. It shows the accident that made the adults take the stern viewpoint they did. Does it look cool? Yes. Is it necessary? No. Leaving the old accident up to your imagination was a far better move than to show us what amounted to a PSA about drinking. Because these kids died drinking and driving, not dancing.

Before I forget, I already think Dennis Quaid is cast perfectly. He has a very stoic and somber presence about him that feels like he could be the preacher that changes his stand.

Ren – he feels totally generic and copy & paste.

Ariel – Julianne Hough acts like the world’s biggest woohoo-tease. (like how I made that SFW?)

Oooooo! Ariels a rebel. She jumped in a race car and held a flag. I hope the tractor game of chicken isn’t replaced with NASCAR shenanigans. Correct me if I am wrong (and I’m not) but did Ariel just give up her V-card because her neanderthal boyfriend talked her into it by calling her chicken and a wild child? I now hate her character as much as I do her in real life.

We meet the side kick. I miss Chris Penn. But this kid seems to want to grow on me and HOLY CRAP!! Did they just throw in a token black guy to be PC?!?!? Now Ren wants Ariel. Why?

Now we are at some drive-in food place. The owner is putting on music so the kids can dance in the parking lot. In public. Obviously they are about to get caught.

Out of nowhere a group of black teens just crunked into the movie. So there isn’t a token black guy anymore. How on Earth did they learn to dance like this in this back woods town? This style of dancing looks like full blown seizures. This doesn’t look fun or sexy to me. It looks painful and awkward. If Patrick Dempsey looked into the crowd and shouted ‘Hey! It’s the African Anteater Dance!’ I would place this movie above Fast Five. But he hasn’t yet and there is still over an hour left in the movie.

Ariel just showed up with her bad boy boyfriend. Why does the preachers daughter dress like a total Fluke slut? Why on Earth would her parents let her leave the house dressed like that? Ren dances like a total ballerina. I am embarrassed for him. Why is he gliding and frolicking to and fro?

Ariel dances with Ren to either piss off her boy friend or to turn him on. I can’t tell. This is gross.

Ren went to court for listening to music to loud. Now his uncle, whom I am starting to like more and more, explains that Sunday is Gods day. You can’t buy beer on Gods day; If you want to drink beer on Gods day you buy it on Beersday, which is Saturday. I bet the people of Provo, Utah are empathizing with this plight of the working man. So now we have the kids who want to dance are going to use seperation of church and state to get to dance. I still don’t care. Especially if they are just fighting to dance like spaz’s who have lost motor control functions at the last dance scene.

THE MUSIC SUCKS IN THIS MOVIE. They are playing poor remixes or re-imaginings of the original songs and they suck. Suck suckity suck suck suck.

Uh-oh! It’s what is supposed to be the tractor chicken scene, but I don’t see any tractors.

Douchy boyfriend – “I thought only fags took gymnastics?”  Ren – “I thought only a$$holes used the word fag.” Douchy boyfriend – “Touche.” This exchange made me laugh. Mostly because I forgot Ren was a gymnist, which explains his girly dance moves, and as soon as I remembered that little fact I thought to myself what a fag, but then Ren reminded me that is wrong. But seriously, when Ren dances, he does look like he should be holding a baton with a twirly ribbon on it. . .

YES YES YES!!!! Here comes the tractors!!!! YES YES YES!!!

What the hell, buses??!?!?!?! If my soelling is off here it is because I am so mad that I am not seing tractors tight niw!!!!!! Stupid boyfriend is stumbling around and acting drunk because he smoked too much weed? Are you serious? Has anyone slurred their speech and stumbled after smoking a joint? And looked drunk? The writers of this movie hate you. They are going to drive the buses in figure 8’s until they crash. This is stupid. Oh good, a redneck is narrating. Because they must of assumed my eyes were exploded from not seeing tractors play chicken.

Not since Speed have I seen such magical buses. While my eyes were incapacitated my ears were elevated in strength and they heard the gheyest version of I Need A Hero playing in the background. I miss Mr. Bacon. . .

Another scene with Ariel looking and acting like a whore. Why would Ren want her sloppy fifths. . .

Ren’s mad in the warehouse and about to dance out his anger. I have no idea if he is or not because I am laughing at his little monologue that sounds like a 3 year old girl with a lisp rattling off every bad word you can in a PG movie, Mr. stupid head ugly dumb butt breath cops and teachers!!

He’s twirling his iPod cord like a ribbon on a baton!!! . . . I feel like I am watching a recruitment video for a gay mosh pit. . . I think Star Wars kid choreographed this scene. . .Why is he practicing martial arts. . . Now he’s drinking and breaking equipment and windows, maybe he is a bad guy. . . Ariel shows up asks if he thinks she’s a slut. . . We all do. . . Ren just called her a slut in the most polite way possible.

Time-out – I wonder if the guy Julianne Hough dumped in real life to be with Ryan Seacrest watched this and thinks she is a horrible actress because she really is a tramp in real life? Time-in. . .

I’m getting bored, I’ve seen all of these scenes 20 years ago and they were better. . . Now side kick boy admits he can’t dance. I can’t dance and I don’t have any shame in it. . . Why is it so easy for high school kids to drink EVERYWHERE in this movie? . . . The girl playing Sarah Jessica Parkers role has horse teeth, that’s a nice throwback joke. . . Maybe I’m being hard on Ren, maybe he doesn’t dance like a fruit, maybe white boys shouldn’t dance. . . How did 4 teens get into a bar. . .

Ren’s uncle just called Ariel a slut. I now love him.

Learning to dance montage – horrible. Wait, they are playing the original version of Let’s Hear It For The Boy, so that’s good. . . All the black guys dressed in urban street wear are telling side kick boy to just bounce like a gangster to dance. With straight faces. . . Why are they wearing the same clothes and doing the same moves? This is so pointless. . .

Ariel just broke up with her douchebag boyfriend. . . He hits her after she throws stuff at his truck and breaks parts of his truck. . . But that was after she got mad because she’s treated like a piece of meat because she was acting like a piece of meat. . . I don’t condone hillbilly’s beating redneck women BTW. . .Now she’s admitting she’s not a virgin, to her dad the preacher, in the church, I was floored, didn’t see that coming, I had no idea she was a tramp. . . Oops, now her dad hits women, allegedly? This town is messed up. . .

She dumps her boyfriend and now the audience is supposed to believe that Ariel has changed? This movie hates you.

The big dance law hearing – seems like the whole town wants the law repealed. Why did it take an out of town kid to change it? How does dancing and alcohol and drugs and death get tied into one? His big speech for saving dancing is coming from the point of view from someone who has lived there his whole life. . .

HE HAS A RIGHT TO DANCE WHENEVER AND HOWEVER!! Only in a movie could that sentence hold any value. Ren’s using scripture to justify dancing as a celebration to dance. Bible people weren’t crunking and rubbing and dry humping genitals all over random people to shitty music. . .

He won the heart of the preachers wife so they get a dance. It’s been 3 years with this law, how bad could they miss dancing that the whole town shows up to decorate this warehouse for a dance that is CLEARLY not sanitary or even safe to walk around in? I am nervous that they are passing around wood with nails sticking out of them, and they aren’t wearing gloves. . . They are celebrating hanging the worlds ugliest chandelier like they cured cancer.

Oh good, Ariel wore something trampy again and her parents are telling her how stunning she looks. Maybe the dad should hit the mom again to knock some sense into her. . . I don’t see how letting this dance happen makes her pure again. . .

THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS THE 80’S MOVIE AGAIN!!! Ugghhhh. . . Why are her parents so proud she is going to a dance? Have they not paid attention for the past 2 hours about the way their daughter acts?

Oh good, they are playing another crappy cover of the original soundtrack.

If I was a girl, and I saw a group of black dudes huddle up and their idea was to go get some women and they yelled BREAK! as they crossed the floor towards me, I would be terrified. You know, because I am a young stupid redneck girl.

For a town without dances, there are a lot of prom dresses that were ready to go at the last second. That or Frenzy delivers.

The big brawl in the parking lot. I’ve seen better fights at Nordstrom’s over discounted V-necks. The big tough dudes can’t take more than a punch. The skinny boys and girls seem to have Superman strength knocking the big boys down with simple hair pulls or limp kicks. Wake me when this is over. . .

Well, they finally answered the question as to how the confetti blew in the air in the original. I can sleep better.

Ren just yelled lets dance!! And I wanted to, until I heard the gawd awful Footloose song cover. Now I want to burn country music.

A town without music or dancing just broke into a choreographed dance involving at least 30 people. When will this happen to me?

Ren is flailing about like an uncoordinated spaghetti noodle. And he is the hero?

And lets end the movie with another horrendous cover from the original.

Credits and I’m out.


About Zero Brass

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3 responses to “Footloose (2011)”

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