Things I Could Never Do

There are people out there in the world that perform certain jobs that there is no way in hell I could ever do. I am equal parts horrified and thrilled that they can perform these tasks so I don’t have too. (Like I was going to simultaneously pick up 10 careers at once; what am I, Oprah?) Here they are, no particular order, the jobs I could never do.

– MASSAGE THERAPIST – It is shallow and selfish, but I know that there are some people that will lay on those tables naked that you would give your right arm not to touch. Plus, I am a picker. If I came across some person’s back that had a big whitehead waiting to be popped, I would go for it.

– NURSE – I can’t even look at my own kids puke without puking. I would be a dry-heaving mess if I worked at an elderly care center. I see a diaper that looks like it might be too full, I disappear for a bit until someone else handles that crap. Nurses are little angels.

– PLUMBER – If a Q-Tip accidentally falls in the toilet, you can bet I came up with an elaborate system of hangers and tape to get it out so I didn’t have to touch toilet water. I know it’s clean, but poop goes in there. If my one year old accidentally touches toilet water he goes through a bleach bath and an exorcism before I let that hand near me. Ughh, and pulling people’s hair out of drains with poop on it? They are underpaid.

– DERMATOLOGIST – A zit can ruin your day. If you are a dermatologist, you don’t get people with shiny happy faces everyday, you get people with problems. And how would I, as a doctor, justify saying out-loud to a patient ‘That’s a big one, let me get it.’ But on the other hand, I have a bit of a germaphobe thing going on, so I could never touch it.

– DENTIST – Like the massage therapist, there are just some patients that would walk in and I would be all like ‘Aw hell no!’ Fresh Prince style. I have had my front teeth kicked out, so I am in awe of these soldiers of dentata with gag reflexes of steel.

– MASSAGE THERAPIST (again) – How would you really not ever look at the hot customers when they are naked? I spent my first massage a nervous wreck worried the person would think I was gross or I might fart.

About Zero Brass

Don't Worry About It

One response to “Things I Could Never Do”

  1. Madiantin says :

    My physical therapist massages my legs, sticks his elbow and fingers into my butt cheek, and massages my feet. Even the one with the plantar wart. The dude does not charge enough money for what he does.


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