Things I Could Never Do
There are people out there in the world that perform certain jobs that there is no way in hell I could ever do. I am equal parts horrified and thrilled that they can perform these tasks so I don’t have too. (Like I was going to simultaneously pick up 10 careers at once; what am I, Oprah?) Here they are, no particular order, the jobs I could never do.
– MASSAGE THERAPIST – It is shallow and selfish, but I know that there are some people that will lay on those tables naked that you would give your right arm not to touch. Plus, I am a picker. If I came across some person’s back that had a big whitehead waiting to be popped, I would go for it.
– NURSE – I can’t even look at my own kids puke without puking. I would be a dry-heaving mess if I worked at an elderly care center. I see a diaper that looks like it might be too full, I disappear for a bit until someone else handles that crap. Nurses are little angels.
– PLUMBER – If a Q-Tip accidentally falls in the toilet, you can bet I came up with an elaborate system of hangers and tape to get it out so I didn’t have to touch toilet water. I know it’s clean, but poop goes in there. If my one year old accidentally touches toilet water he goes through a bleach bath and an exorcism before I let that hand near me. Ughh, and pulling people’s hair out of drains with poop on it? They are underpaid.
– DERMATOLOGIST – A zit can ruin your day. If you are a dermatologist, you don’t get people with shiny happy faces everyday, you get people with problems. And how would I, as a doctor, justify saying out-loud to a patient ‘That’s a big one, let me get it.’ But on the other hand, I have a bit of a germaphobe thing going on, so I could never touch it.
– DENTIST – Like the massage therapist, there are just some patients that would walk in and I would be all like ‘Aw hell no!’ Fresh Prince style. I have had my front teeth kicked out, so I am in awe of these soldiers of dentata with gag reflexes of steel.
– MASSAGE THERAPIST (again) – How would you really not ever look at the hot customers when they are naked? I spent my first massage a nervous wreck worried the person would think I was gross or I might fart.