Family Movies

If I watch a family movie it is because I have to am doing it with my family. Otherwise I would never watch them. Why? Because just like boobs, if you have seen one, you’ve seen them all. Well, some are bigger and better, and some smaller ones get the indie award for trying. By the way, we are still talking about movies. And I think my breaking point was the one-two sucker punch of Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Dolphin Tale; two of the worst movies this year.

Let’s break it down as to what makes family movies as of late so monotonous and boring –

1 – The Parents Are Divorced/One Of Them Is Dead

Why is this always a recurring theme? What they need to do is call them broken family movies. Then you can root for them to find a new spouse or for the parents to get back together. I understand that there are blended families (I am the proud owner of one!), but why is this a staple in family movies? I would be a little nervous if every time my parents sat the family down and announced we were watching a family movie, that they were dropping hints that one of them was dying or leaving.

2 – The Kids Are Secretly The Adults

I loathe this one. While the parent is sad from the divorce or other spouse working to much or dead, the kids are the ones making breakfast, waking up the adult, handling the daily bills. And in some cases even playing cupid or putting together important work proposals or reports! I acknowledge that some kids would in fact have to step up to this calling in life, if that tragedy befell them, but here is my complaint – It is considered a HORROR movie if you need to be the responsible one because your parents(s) shut down or ignore you. There is no greater fear to a child than their parents not being there for them of caring for them. And what on Earth could you gleam from a film like that watching it as a child with your parents? That everyday you are lucky that your parents are there? That is mind blowing to be considered an ideal topic for a family movie.

3 – Real Alien/Animal

The kids find an alien or an animal, and the adults don’t believe them or notice it eating their food and house. And only the kids can protect it from the evil adults. Because once again the adults are so stupid they might want to eat it or kill it or, I don’t know, study the foreign creature. And of course the kids with maybe 5 years of public education under their belts can outwit the local and federal authorities and save/free the animal better than say a scientist or doctor. Proving that adults are evil meat eating environment hating people that are destroying the planet.

4 – Work Is Evil

The dad works to much and if only he could see the error of his ways! These movies usually involve a family with a hot mom, a huge house, expensive cars, kids in a million after school programs, a father that is working 24/7 to give them all of that. And then at some point the wife and kids are going to leave because he missed a school performance for the 10th time. Because he was busy supporting their lifestyle. And at work they expect him to be focused and productive but the kids and wife are like we don’t need all this stuff. Just you! And that’s the BS part. Good luck going from pampered lifestyle to the poor equals happy dream that isn’t real. You know why these movies end with the husband leaving his job or telling off the boss as he quits? Because 2 months after he quits their lives are hell and no one wants to see that.

5 – The Adults Are Stupid

There is some crisis going on, and the adults are so stuck in their ways that only at the very end a child has to grab control and show them the obvious answer, which is usually recycling or giving stuff away for free. Yes, these college educated people that have devoted years of their lives to their field have overlooked the best solution that only a child could come up with.

So to summarize family movies – The adults need to die or be divorced, be complete idiots and work to hard. The kids find a lovable misunderstood animal/creature. Then the child, after babysitting the adult or themselves, show them the error of their ways which is usually to quit their job, recycle, love animals or move to a farm.

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About Zero Brass

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One response to “Family Movies”

  1. Madiantin says :

    ARGH! These things drive me BONKERS! And don’t get me started on the ads where the man is stupid and the women have zero problem talking to them like they’re complete idiots, even hitting them. Grrrrrr.


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