Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1

Just like Footloose, I have never seen this movie before, and instead of reviewing it, I am just going to post a running commentary of my thoughts. Let’s do this.

This movie starts with Jacob being so mad he runs away from his problems? But he’s topless. Does his dad turn into a werewolf too? And if he does, does he have a little wheel chair for dogs with broken legs and a lamp shade around his neck? I’m curious as hell now.

People are excited about a statutory wedding?

What kind of a girl doesn’t want to wear a wedding dress and fancy shoes? OH WAIT!! Edward has a secret to reveal. . .

His big secret is he killed humans for blood? No shit. I’m watching a vampire movie. But since these are retarded vampires, he only killed murderers. He sounds like a silly vegetarian saving innocent cows. I don’t know if I can finish this movie and it’s only 6:03 into it. . .

Ha! He just asked her if she will like what she sees in the mirror when she is a vampire. . . Oh crap, can these vampires be in sunlight AND see their reflections? Are we sure these aren’t emo kids that just got back from a rave instead of vampires? I am force feeding The Lost Boys to my daughter this weekend. This nonsense has to stop.

Edward is on his way to the most fabulous bachelor party ever!! Sparkly boys looking for bears, the ghey jokes are to easy.

Bella claims to have pre wedding jitters. I’m pretty sure it’s pre about to sleep with a dead guy jitters.

She gets her first family heirloom, and she immediately hands it away. Didn’t even look at it.

She’s 18!! These are the worst parents ever. They are letting her marry a man a CENTURY her age, who has been banging high school girls for as long, who is dead and might eat her. Love is blind, but it doesn’t have a death wish or death fetish.

Kristen Stewart trying to act nervous for the wedding looks like a 3 year old about to eat veggies so he can have dessert.

Do all of the guests know that there are werewolves and vampires there?

Her wedding dress looks like an X-Men costume reject. Her slutty one in the dream was hotter.

Eww, during the wedding kiss, Bella just sits still while Edward does all the work. And then people start applauding that an 18 year old is kissing a dead 100 year old. Statutory necrophilia. Has Bella’s dad always had the pornstache? And why is her mom so proud of her doing this? Are the adults brain dead zombies? Is that the big twist coming up?

Wheelchair Indian just made a firewater joke. Ha!! I love that guy.

So the Alaskan vampire chicks all look like they accidentally saw a naked man. How hard is it to look like you are hungry or angry? They all just open their eyes wide and tilt their heads and look around for a second.

These toasts are horrible. The dad’s toast feels wounded, because you can’t hunt a vampire with a gun. He must know he failed as a parent. And the rest are so self centered and rude. Did anyone even like Bella? Didn’t she move there, take the ‘Hair’, as they call Edward, ignore everyone and leave to Italy for a season and toy with Jacob for two years? How does she have that many friends there? She is a total bitch. The toast montage feels like scrapped SNL ideas. And Edward is drinking champagne. He is supposed to be 18, right? I should have quit at the 6 minute mark.

These vampires have had DECADES to learn how to dance. . . and they can’t. I think I saw one just jumping up and down. And there are two black people dancing like white folk taught them how to! (I should know, I adore the Step Up series.) And what’s up with the music? Could they not afford anything good? Unless the flat, boring music is supposed to parallel Bella’s emotions.

Oh good Jacob showed up. These movies are so poorly written, I have to ask – Is ‘Kind’ really Jacobs middle name? Because I wouldn’t be surprised.

OH MY GOSH. Is Jacob concerned that having sex will hurt Bella? Am I watching this right? Does he think a life of doggy style with a werewolf is better than sex with a dead person that makes weird faces? I think I love this movie.

Bella’s moms big wedding night advice is ‘wear a hat, wear sunscreen’. Is that code? Or is every woman in this movie just stupid?

Why is everyone so butt hurt that they don’t know where they are going for their honeymoon? Who cares?

Jacob howling at the moon sounds like Bert and Ernie playing werewolf.

How did Edward travel, in a suitcase? I guess we are in Rio De Janeiro? I only know that because of Fast Five, the greatest movie ever. I know that people down there can dance, but so far all I have seen is one local shimmying very poorly. How could they not find good dancers? People dance awesome for cheap trying to get out of the hood. They couldn’t offer one of those guys a free sandwich to come dance in their movie?

You know what would be messed up? If while Edward is on this island, the Pope blessed the ocean and turned it to Holy Water so Edward and Captain Expression were stuck there on what I assume is about to be the most awkward sex scene ever island.

Can Kristen Stewart answer one question without looking down, sighing, squinting and nodding her head? She’s Neve Campbell’s id.

That’s nice, this movie is guaranteed to make a billion dollars worldwide, and they use a green screen for a lake.

Kristen Stewart holds her toothbrush like a caveman. Use some finesse, you’re in a freaking movie.

I guess this is the pre sex scene? Did Edwards sister really pack her brothers wife’s lingerie? Because that is borderline incestuous. And am I supposed to believe that this girl that is so mature and in love with this corpse, is this nervous about finally doing the mattress mambo? This is making me feel like she is about to talk herself into being raped. But the odd thing is, Edward is gay, so he would totally pass on the sex with her.

Oh, I was way off, she did all of that to go skinny dipping! And of course she sighed, squinted, looked down, scrunched her mouth before she dropped her towel. I hate her.

Thanks to George Costanza all I can think about is how cold the water is. And as a side thought, Edward never fully finished developing if he was turned at 17 years old. So that’s got to be awkward for later. . .

I’m sorry. If I was SUPER nervous that a vampire was going to hurt me in coitus, and while in said act he BROKE THE WALL AND KNOCKED THE CURTAINS DOWN, I would at least flinch or tap out. . . Also, if I didn’t know that Edward was on top, I would have sworn that was Bella’s back.

Has there been a guy crying to sappy piano music this whole time? Just noticed it. . .

After everything we know about Bella, her M.O., whether kissing or in trouble, is to sit and do nothing. So after watching her wake up to a DESTROYED bed and bedroom, that meant that while she laid there, Edward was flying around the room breaking stuff with his whohoo. And my proof is that Bella has no scratches or bruises on her and Edward thinks women are icky.

Why are all of the sex flash backs soft and tender when the bedroom would cause a Vietnam vet to have a flashback? And is she hurt? I’ve seen enough Law & Order and CSI to know that there was internal bruising and signs of a struggle. Unless Edward was faking it the whole time and Bella is dumb enough to believe anything a man, dead or alive, says to her. She just laid there while Edward acted like King Kong in downtown Detroit. Raaaarrgghhh!!!! This is sex Bella! Look at me break this bed post! Raaarrrhhh!! Do you like that! Edward smash fluffy pillows!! Rarrrggghhh!!! Can you believe people waited in line to see this?

She has two bruises and Edweird is acting like he is disgusted with himself. He’s lucky it wasn’t a homicide he woke up too, with how awesome and powerful he thinks he is.

“Last night, was the best night of my existence.” As Bella squints, scrunches her mouth, closes her eyes, looks around and sighs. Idiot.

Why isn’t Edward sparkling in the sunlight?

Piggy back cliff diving. How special.

Dream chess. How boring.

Begging your new husband to sleep with you. Closeted!

I forgot about Jake. Now he just wants to eat Edward. What is so special about Bella? Do her farts smell like rare steak?

Oh, she’s got morning sickness? Well that makes as much sense as a vampire that can be in sunlight and see himself in a mirror. They’ve been on that island for what, 2 weeks maybe? And do I even need to point out that dead people produce dead or no sperm, so is she having a Jesus baby? The immaculate conception? I don’t know why I bother trying to use my brain with this.

By the way, what the hell is the plot of this movie? I am 40+ minutes in and so far it has been a slow witted girls journey to getting laid.

Bella pukes and Edward wears Capri’s.

Bella holds up the world’s fittest belly to a mirror and squints, sighs, looks around in horror that she looks pregnant. I squint, sigh and smack my forehead.

Alice just sensed a disturbance in the force, I mean Bella’s womb.

For the millionth time, Bella stared blankly at the floor.

Now the help can sense vampire babies? Is the vampire stuff really not a secret?

Edward refers to his sick nasty unborn baby as a thing. This movie is a giant metaphor for repressing homosexual urges, right?

If you put the movie in slow motion, when Bella makes the call in the car at the airport, she never dials a number, and when she puts it to her ear, it is still on the welcome screen of the phone. Somehow, that’s a metaphor for this movie.

I think it is amazing how disgusted Jacob and Edward are by Bella’s prego belly. And why does Jake still pine for her? He’s more of a wuss than Edward and his phobia of vagina’s.

Jacob is mad at Edward for getting Bella pregnant. So mad he exclaims ‘You did this!’ Yeah, who else but the husband would knock up his wife? Are werewolves of a lower IQ?

Anyone else think that while Jacob and Edward are talking in the forest that they were going to kiss? Because that tension was hott!!

Does Jacob ever have a conversation where he isn’t the most unlikeable asshole ever? All he does is yell and pout and tear his clothes off, just like my 1 year old.

Jacob running through the forest as a wolf to vent his frustration is IDENTICAL to Ren dancing in the warehouse to get over small town no dancing rules. I laugh.

So is the plot of the movie that wolves are scared of an unborn baby? Or that they don’t believe in Bella’s free will, because honestly, she doesn’t either. She has made zero decisions, until she had a monster in her belly and then she gets all opinionated and wants to keep the thing that is killing her. Which makes sense compared to the wolves that when they talk sound like the seagulls in Finding Nemo – mine mine mine mine. . .

The werewolves are gay, right? Because, they are, right?

Jacob has run and come back 4 times already. Why does anyone care what wolf boy thinks or does.

The Cullen family – all wide eyed and hair plugs.

If they are going to fight, get on with it. And STHU about imprinting. Who cares.

So vampires are a secret, but they get their secret vampire information on Google?

That was nice of generic vampire to feed the dogs a sandwich.

Another sappy song being cried, I mean sang, to sad piano music.

You would think a house that vampires live in and eat, I mean drink blood in, wouldn’t have so much white every where.

I think one of the vampires has down syndrome.

Why is doggy boy so turned off by drinking blood, when he hunts and kills animals? You would think these metrosexual monsters would prefer hairless and shaved prey to hairy and dirty animals.

Hooray! The unborn baby can speak to Edwards mind!! Obviously since this baby has been exposed to language and understanding akin to a not fetus.

Why are the vampires afraid to leave the house? even if the werewolves are out there, the vampires can just jump and fly over them in like 2 seconds! Or did they forget that like they forgot vampires can’t go in the sunlight?

Yeah for green screen and crappy FX!!

Renesme? (Is there a way to spell that without laughing?) These 3 just need to have a 3 way and get it over with.

Oh, somethings happening, I think Bella has to poop. . .

Edward looks so disgusted eating her baby out of her. . . That sounds wrong.

Are we just going to ignore that giant open hole in Bella while we pass the baby around? I hate this character, but shouldn’t she be bleeding to death since they used teeth and mouths instead of scalpels and forceps? I’m waiting for Edward to lick the baby clean.

Jacob doing compressions on her chest has me worried her guts will get forced out the giant hole in her belly.

We can’t tell if Bella is dead or not because she always looks like that – lifeless and indifferent. At least she isn’t sighing, squinting or looking sideways repeatedly.

Jake has changed his stance AGAIN! Now he won’t kill Edward, because Jacob is a little bitch.

Why does this towns truce agreement hinge so heavily on Bella? Only an unsatisfied housewife could come up with this garbage.

If I was a retail clothing vendor, I would totally open shop in this town. These werewolves destroy clothes as often as Jacob changes his threats.

For the love of. . . they really super imposed a baby with 2 year old eyes and make-up on a newborn?

Oh no he didn’t!! Jacob just called dibs on a newborn baby in the wussiest way possible. Is this movie now pro child molestation as well as necrophilia and statutory rape?

I think there is a fight going on, but there are so many blurry and bad special effects that I can’t tell if it’s a fight or Edward doing Jacobs hair.

‘They can’t fight us, Jacob called dibs on the fresh meat.’ Or something like that was said. I was too busy laughing.

I thought a werewolves most absolute law was no shirt is too sleeveless enough.

Kristen Stewart finally reaches her goal weight, and she is dead. Ironic.

A flashback of blank stares, squinting, sighing, looking sideways, moving hair. . . like a best of clip of Kristen Stewart’s acting range.

Wait a minute – was that last shot of that montage supposed to be a flower being returned to it’s untouched, ah hell, did she just become a virgin again?!?!?!

She’s got the red eye!!

OOoohh!! Extra bonus scene in the credits!!

I would like to point out that the chick walking in high heels just walked over an open grated man hole cover and didn’t get her heel stuck in one of the holes. Bravo, good lady.

The disputes not over? Damnit!!!

The end.

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About Zero Brass

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5 responses to “Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1”

  1. Madiantin says :

    I have neither seen the film nor read the book. So….wait what? He destroyed the room with his WHAT?!!??!!

    Also, is this film really that homosexual or are you just obsessed?

    Like

  2. Brandon Voeller says :

    Thank you kind sir for wasting your precious time, and not mine, on watching such lifeless drivel. And, due to the horrendous quality of said source material, I must say this to Mrs. Meyer; “What you’ve just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent commentary were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this world is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

    😉

    Like

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