Step Up 3D – Live Review

So for the family movie tonight we are watching Step Up 3D. These are my random thoughts while watching it.

The movie opens with some dude filming homeless people asking them why they love to dance. Not one of them admits that it is because staying in school was way to hard.

Oh good, Moose made it back. And now his parents are dropping him off at college. With his girlfriend. His girlfriend, by the way, was the only white little girl in Missy Elliot’s videos that could dance. And Moose’s nose hasn’t stopped growing. That kid is Jewish. Is that racist?

For some reason Moose is dancing with a white kid who looks Asian.

Oh crap, he is Asian. my bad.

Now Moose is popping bubbles in this dance and releasing balloons to out dance the karate kid. I think I am about to release my man card because I was cheering for Moose to win.

Moose left his parents, girlfriend and backpack to go to an abandoned warehouse full of homeless kids that think dancing is an art form worthy of a high paying job. The mystery ring leader admits to collecting discarded dancers from under passes trying to assemble the ultimate dance crew. Every one is dressed liked Jem outrageously threw up on all of them.

Oh no!! The bank is going to close the old warehouse!! All of these homeless kids will…..still…..be…..homeless. This has to be the stupidest plot ever. Homeless kids who are street dancers are going to be forced to dance on the street and be homeless.

Mystery dude just saw a chick dancing on a spy cam. Now he has to follow her. This is romantic. I wish the girls I spied on weren’t creeped out when I admitted to stalking them.

This chick is leading him on a dance chase through the club. She must have super dance powers because she is wearing a cape. Her power is to repel real paying jobs.

She caught him video taping her and she is turned on. How do I now? The music told me “I LIKE THAT!”

Look out Moose! He’s walking into the bathroom and some gangster just revealed he has speakers on his jacket and… never mind. He is a dancer and wants to have a dance off in the bathroom. I learned about this on Oprah. That guy is on the Down Low. He loves the men.

Asian kid is back. No wait, he looks white. Now he is dancing because they danced before? DAMMIT!!! Asian/Whitey has a ring leader and he is buying the homeless crews homeless warehouse from the bank!! Why is he putting homeless people on the street.

I just realized that my kids are imitating the dance moves on the TV. I am impressed.

Some rich girl is shaking up with the homeless people. This is like Obama’s dream come true.

WORLD JAM will pay all of their bills if they win it! I wonder how many montages we will sit through til they get there….

Moose’s girlfriend isn’t mad he ditched her all night to dance with homeless people. I think she might be imaginary.

Homeless HQ has a wall of old ghetto blasters. Somehow they all work together.

Dance training montage on the roof tops. Or maybe it’s parkor. Whatever it is they acting like they are about to pull off a jewel heist. Moose just saw them from his college classroom window and this is more appealing to him than an education. Stupid dancers.

They have a wall of the ugliest shoes ever. If they would have stayed in school someone would have made fun of their shoes before they collected all of the ugly ones.

They have a Q in their basement that makes ……light magnets?…… to dance with. I think the editor got drunk and spiced two movies together.

The homeless people are called The Pirates!! Because you close one eye while watching and say Aaaaaagggg!!!!!

Montage of dance moves that only look good in slo-mo and 3 seconds at a time.

Rich chick and mystery dude are dancing like Eddie Gordo to train. If no one steals a diamond I will be upset.

YES!! They have some awesome white dude that can do the robot all sorts of wicked.

My 5 year old son just figured out how to do a cart wheel watching this. That’s a good thing…..I keep telling myself.

Mystery dude is finding everyone’s inner beauty in his secret hidden films he is making of everyone. Somehow he is brilliant because he is a peeping tom.

Moose doesn’t have a girlfriend. They are just friends. I didn’t see that coming…..JK, I did.

But she really loves Moose. So that will eventually be something to fill in the moments when they aren’t dancing.

My son is still dancing.

Battle #1 – Bunch of gangsters covered in…..cocaine? Chalk dust from detention after school? HAHAHAHAH!!! They don’t go to school. How is anyone breathing with all this coke flying anywhere?

Some of these dance moves look like accidental seizures from all the coke in the air. I am digging this. I hope the homeless dudes win and not the coke covered gangsters.

Some Asian/Mexican/white chick just did 798 words in sign language in 60 seconds.

YES!! The robot guy is back! I want to dance like him. I am so serious.

This scene must have cost $56,061,156,716.95 in cocaine alone.

My kids just cheered that the Pirates won. Of course they won. The movie is about them.

The not girlfriend is mad at Moose for ditching college to hang out with homeless dancers and not him. He has awesome hair. She has annoying feelings.

He just asked her to a dance. This is silly. Colleges don’t have dances. They have keggers and rushes.

Mystery dude and chick who likes to be filmed are on a date with slurpees. Slurpees are the Olive Garden of homeless food.

Now they are dancing in a field of, and I am not lying, bubbles from the slurpees. To avoid going ghey I am going to stare at my wife’s chest for the next few minutes.

I’m back. That was awesome…..

Moose is failing class and hurting his not girl friend.

BATTLE #2!!! It’s in little china I think. Bunch of ninjas jumping around in spray painted jump suits. Old Asian men betting on them.

Moose is late. He took a test instead of joining his homeless pirate crew.

Never mind. He is here. He broke a pipe and now water is everywhere.

WATER dance!!!! This is so freaking awesome. Next time it rains I am going to dance slowly in the street…..

The Asian crew just lost because they tried to do a….cheer leading pyramid?….and fell.

Slo-mo water dancing is so cool. I am rewinding it real quick….

OH DAMN!!! Moose spit out water at the end!!! Go Moose!!!!

Rich girl is really the sister of rich other dance gang leader or something. And she sold them all of their dance moves!! (Yawn)

Moose is missing his dance with not girlfriend to go out with mystery homeless dude. To a masquerade to find rich chick. I’m going to go get something to eat.

I’m back, what did I miss? Nothing…

Now the whole gang is back together!! It’s like Grease with less singing but equal gheyness.

Moose’s girlfriend has no back bone.

Now he is winning her back with old school Fred Astaire dance moves. This is actually pretty dope. And, this is the nerd in me, all in one take. This is amazing. I will be rewinding this part at least twice to watch again. And again.

K – That was super awesome.

The homeless pirates just reassembled in an amusement park with the cast from Step Up 2 Tha Streets that weren’t busy. This feels like a deleted scene from The Lost Boys. Why do they have little 5 year old dancers hanging out at midnight with no parents? Who cares. They are walking in slo-mo again.

One of their crew just joined the rich white crew. This happens in every dance movie. How do I know? Because I watch them all.

Yeah! FINAL BATTLE!!! – The light brite suits are cool, but this is a let down.

That was dumb. Because I love you, here is the best dance scene. The end battle from Step Up 2.

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About Zero Brass

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2 responses to “Step Up 3D – Live Review”

  1. Madiantin says :

    How did you sit through all that? I couldn’t even watch the clips without my eyes bleeding.

    Like

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