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Cheese

3odpdhDuring Jr High and my Sophomore year of High School I landscaped. It was by far my favorite job looking back with some miles and years between the memory and living it. It was a painful occupation. Depending upon the day, you would come home with a distinct parting gift.

  • You could win the coveted blister package on your hands from throwing the pick into rock filled dirt.
  • You could receive the almighty sunburn! This gift kept giving the next few days as your clothes were a constant reminder of your failure to wear sunscreen or a hat. Read More…

The Runaway Note

When you feel overwhelmed and unsure about your parenting skills, take comfort that somewhere, someone is doing it worse than you. Like me. While cleaning the house the other day, my  wife found one of our daughters old notebooks and decided to look through it before tossing it. What she found was an “I’m Running Away Letter” from our sweet, even tempered daughter. We have no idea when she wrote it, it was within 4 – 5 years ago. My daughter laughs at it now, but she cannot remember what she got in trouble for to write this epic farewell.

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How To Dismantle An Adult

Kids have little to no fear of adults anymore. You think I am wrong? Sit in on most classes in a public school, or threaten to tell them you will some how retaliate against their behavior. There is no fear in them anymore. I used to firmly believe that it was because we can no longer hit them. And I was wrong. It’s because of the evil TV and movies! I might sound like a rally cry from the 50’s, but I assure you I am firmly rooted in at least the 80’s. I am at the tail end of the last generation that remembers it being OK to get slapped or spanked.

Watch any TV show geared at kids, or even any family movie. 99.99% of the time the adult is portrayed as a complete imbecile. They are perpetually bumbling around, not sure of their choices, confused about what they think or believe in, and NEVER in charge. It’s always the kids that are portrayed as the intelligent ones or the only people that are getting things done in spite of their parents.

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Useless Tools

One of my favorite individuals, Penn Jillette, was on the Nerdist Podcast a few weeks ago. He was telling one of the funniest stories I have ever heard involving a little person and a monkey. And towards the end of it he pointed something out that I can’t shake.

Mr. Jillette stated that most people cannot appreciate – deeply, honestly or personally – most art, music, culture or even experiences without tainting it. And we do that by being sarcastic, cynical or even ironic. And I won’t even go into how most people STILL don’t understand irony thanks to Alanis Morrisette.

We live in a time where one of the tools we use to conversate or comment with is to immediately be ironic about it or sarcastic. When so many people have the ability to view our comments or thoughts, it is easier to put an ironic slant to your comment or thoughts. In your head you may sound educated, but in reality you seem distant. The best example of this is the 13 – 25 year old’s. They think that the wearing of 70’s, 80’s and even 90’s clothes is hip. It’s an ironic statement for their fashion. They know they look silly, so it’s a sarcastic fashion faux paux.

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Cabin In The Woods

While walking into the theater to see this movie, a teenager dropped a $1 bill in front of me and kept walking. I picked it up and actually had to almost run to catch up to him to give it back to him. Instead of a thanks and maybe a cool fist bump (I don’t know what the hell they do now) I got a nod and a weird look as he walked away. Why are you now privy to this information? I will tell you in a minute. . . It is impossible to review this movie, so I am not. To give away any of the mystery of this movie would ruin your experience of the insane ride you are about to go on. What I do want to talk about is what this movie made me feel like. It made me feel like 17 year old Brass Monkey again. Why 17? That’s when Scream came out.

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Art of Penny Tapping

It takes patience and creativity to survive childhood. And this is better than any prank phone call or door bell ditching. It’s also victimless so remember that at your court hearing.

To properly Penny Tap someone you need three items:

#1 – A band-aid. Preferably a new one that is super sticky.

 

 

 

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Most Used Samples 1

 

I physically become ill and violent when I hear some kid listening to a song from the 70’s say out loud “Hey, these guys stole this from Snoop Dogg!” We have all of this technology and ability to search centuries of information, but the youth can’t be bothered to learn about where music came from? Ugh.

So here is a small list of the original songs made popular by rap.

James Brown’s The Payback
En Vogue – Never Gonna Get It, LL Cool J – Boomin System
0:48 second mark
George Clinton’s Atomic Dog
Snoop Dogg – Snoop Dogg
Melvin Bliss’s Synthetic Substitution
Method Man – You’re All That I Need, Naughty By Nature – O.P.P.
Lyn Collin’s Think
Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock – It Takes Two”, the creator of the ever present “Yeah, Woo!”
1:25 mark if you are impatient
 The Honey Drippers’ Impeach The President
LL Cool J – Around the Way Girl, Meredith Brooks – I’m A Bitch, Janet Jackson – That’s The Way Love Goes
Sly and the Family Stone’s Sing A Simple Song
Digital Underground – The Humpty Dance
James Brown’s Funky Drummer
Dr. Dre – Let Me Ride

Everytime I Hear 2

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Part 1 found HERE.

When I hear ‘Unchained Melody’ it makes me think about dirty love.

When I hear ‘Cruel Summer’ I think about waxing on and off.
When I hear ‘Weird Science’ I think about bra helmets.
When I hear ‘Where Is My Mind’ I think of IKEA.


When I hear ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ I think about Van Gough.

When I hear ‘In Your Eyes’ I think about how light my iPod is.
When I hear ‘The Power Of Love’ I get grossed out by mom’s hitting on you.
When I hear ‘Canned Heat’ I think about sweet moon boots.

When I hear “Mary Jane’ I think Dammmmn.

When I hear ‘Moving In Stereo’ I think about the greatest bikini ever.

Part 1 found HERE.

Everytime I Hear

Part 2 found HERE.

When I hear Beyonce’s ‘You Shoulda Put A Ring On It‘ it makes me want to walk stupid.

When I hear ‘Send Me An Angel‘ I want to dance on a BMX bike.
When I hear ‘Dance Into Heaven‘ I want Janie to win the DTV dance competition.
When I hear ‘Cry Little Sister‘ I think of mullets and The Frog Brothers.
When I hear ‘Danger Zone‘ I think of the gayest volleyball game ever.
When I hear ‘Everything I Do, I Do It For You‘ I think of black guys with freckles.

When I hear ‘Don’t You Forget About Me‘ I think of white people dancing.

When I hear ‘The Time Of My Life‘ I think of how dancing made abortion OK.
When I hear ‘Good Enough‘ I think of Brandon learning how to exercise.
Thanks to Greg Orme, every time I hear Miley Cyrus I automatically assume she smells like taco meat.

Part 2 found HERE.

80’s – You Forgot To Leave

I saw a conversation the other day about what you would bring back from the 80’s. And after reading through it, I don’t think anything ever left. Stephanie pointed out that her kids are either playing with most of these or streaming them on Netflix right now. Let’s see how original we are 20 years later –

Movies – We can’t leave good enough alone. The following movies are either remade or about to be remade – Red Dawn, Footloose, Karate Kid, Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday The 13th, Alien, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Crow, Predator, The Thing, Evil Dead, Arthur, Piranha, Fright Night, Teen Wolf, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Ghostbusters, Rocky, Rambo, Commando, Die Hard, Fame, Short Circuit – These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Strawberry Shortcake – My daughter loves this show. Not the old one, the new one. Granted she’s 3, so she has time to acquire more sophisticated tastes. I am still waiting for the final episode where someone accidentally steps on the strawberry patch and kills all of them.

G.I. Joe – He has a new cartoon out and a sequel to the movie you forgot about comes out next year. If it wasn’t for the Joe’s at the end of each episode, I wouldn’t know to – tell a grown up, don’t take drugs, help an old person out, be a friend, don’t smoke, not to touch fireworks, that no means no. . .

Transformers – Almost 30 years these guys have been duking it out. When I was playing with these toys in the 80’s they were EASY to transform. You could make it jump in the air and by the time you landed it was transformed. And you made the cool transforming noise. Now? I need an engineering degree, the instructions, two spotters and a time-out after I am done cussing at the stupid toy. The box says Ages 4+ and that is clearly a typo.

Stupid Sunglasses – These were the ghetto glasses you found in the 25 cent bin. They were crappy then and they are more crappy now. I would say that perhaps kids are being ironic wearing them, but come on. You don’t grow up in the era of fashion and design and makeover shows and understand the meaning of the word ironic. And lets just hope the idiots wearing the ‘shade’ neon glasses trip and fall and never procreate.

Neon – This is an actual current fashion line. I have nothing else to say. Men have their loud Hawaiian shirts, ladies can have this megaphone of regurgitation.

Canvas Keds / Converse – The kids call them Toms now. And pay $50+ for them. And they removed the laces for that teenager on the go without time to lace up for the day. I bet you money your mom still has a pair of Keds in her closet.

Music – I think every current artist out there right now has either covered an 80’s song, or is thinking about it. And that is fine. It just reminds me to go pull my good music out of the closet, I mean queue it on iTunes. But if they are going to insist on remaking and sampling 80’s music can we please bring back 80’s dancing. It’s the only way for white people to dance and not look silly.

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