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Step Up 3D – Live Review

So for the family movie tonight we are watching Step Up 3D. These are my random thoughts while watching it.

The movie opens with some dude filming homeless people asking them why they love to dance. Not one of them admits that it is because staying in school was way to hard.

Oh good, Moose made it back. And now his parents are dropping him off at college. With his girlfriend. His girlfriend, by the way, was the only white little girl in Missy Elliot’s videos that could dance. And Moose’s nose hasn’t stopped growing. That kid is Jewish. Is that racist?

For some reason Moose is dancing with a white kid who looks Asian.

Oh crap, he is Asian. my bad.

Now Moose is popping bubbles in this dance and releasing balloons to out dance the karate kid. I think I am about to release my man card because I was cheering for Moose to win.

Moose left his parents, girlfriend and backpack to go to an abandoned warehouse full of homeless kids that think dancing is an art form worthy of a high paying job. The mystery ring leader admits to collecting discarded dancers from under passes trying to assemble the ultimate dance crew. Every one is dressed liked Jem outrageously threw up on all of them.

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Magic Mike – Anatomy Of A Trailer

If you know me, you know that I live in the shadow of two men – Jack Johnson and Channing Tatum. My wife would literally hand me her wedding ring if one of them came knocking on my door and asked for her. So it’s no surprise that I am going to be forced into seeing Magic Mike more than a million times. Which isn’t too bad since when it’s over I’ll be the only guy sitting there, and she’ll make do. Anyways, here is the trailer which is a loosely based, semi-autobiographical story of Channing Tatum’s stripper days:

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Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1

Just like Footloose, I have never seen this movie before, and instead of reviewing it, I am just going to post a running commentary of my thoughts. Let’s do this.

This movie starts with Jacob being so mad he runs away from his problems? But he’s topless. Does his dad turn into a werewolf too? And if he does, does he have a little wheel chair for dogs with broken legs and a lamp shade around his neck? I’m curious as hell now.

People are excited about a statutory wedding?

What kind of a girl doesn’t want to wear a wedding dress and fancy shoes? OH WAIT!! Edward has a secret to reveal. . .

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Cabin In The Woods

While walking into the theater to see this movie, a teenager dropped a $1 bill in front of me and kept walking. I picked it up and actually had to almost run to catch up to him to give it back to him. Instead of a thanks and maybe a cool fist bump (I don’t know what the hell they do now) I got a nod and a weird look as he walked away. Why are you now privy to this information? I will tell you in a minute. . . It is impossible to review this movie, so I am not. To give away any of the mystery of this movie would ruin your experience of the insane ride you are about to go on. What I do want to talk about is what this movie made me feel like. It made me feel like 17 year old Brass Monkey again. Why 17? That’s when Scream came out.

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Footloose (2011)

I was excited to see this remake because the trailers looked like they captured the spirit of the original. And the original is a classic ONLY if you grew up with it. As much as I like to pretend that the movies that came out during my childhood are classics, they are very much movies of their time that only serve to let me reminisce about the good times 15 – 25 years ago. So that said, is the Footloose remake a good movie? You’re going to find out with me because I am writing this as I watch it.

KEEP IN MIND – The preacher who is helping pass all of these silly moral laws, his son killed kids while driving drunk and dancing and his daughter is the town hussy. This family should just be chased out of town if everyone else wants to be free from death and STD’s.

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Take Shelter

This is what I wish church movies would and should be. Let’s put that out there to stick in the back of your mind. – So Tucker finally recommended a good movie to me. And after watching Take Shelter, I just want to talk about it. At first it was because of the movie and it’s story, which is timely and pressing. But after reading comments online about the movie, I have a whole new reason to love this film, which is apparently way off from other people. First things first – this is a movie that needs to be watched to remind you that story always trumps action/special effects. This is a disaster movie. But when you dig deeper, it is a meditation on mental illness and dealing/living with it. Past that, it is a very moving film centered on faith with one of the best depictions I have ever seen of a wife.

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Project Nim

Ever wanted to see a monkey dry hump a cat in the name of science? I watched the Oscar nominated documentary Project Nim with my wife the other night. It’s about the first monkey to learn and use sign language. He might have been a chimp or a primate, I don’t remember. Want to know why? Because I was too busy basking in the glow of reassurance in my hatred of hippies. Everything I can’t stand about hippies was on full display in this movie. And it should be called a movie, not a documentary, but we can get into that later. First, the trailer –

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Moneyball – Review

This is all reactionary – After hearing from so many people who’s taste I respect in movies say how great Moneyball was I finally watched it. Sat down with the wife. It had Brad Pitt in it and was on quite a few Best Of lists for the year. It had fat Jonah Hill and not skinny freaky looking Jonah Hill. It even had Jack Bauer’s secret service buddy Aaron in it. What the movie didn’t have was a plot, action, drama or a composer. What they did have was a producer who saw The Social Network and said ‘I want our movie to look like that!’ Which they tried so hard to mimic. They also went with the minimalist approach to the score, but if you don’t have actors that are carrying any emotion or sense or urgency, it is painful and boring.

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Fast Five – Best Movie Of 2011

Some people give advice or list stuff they will change next year for their end of year posts. Not me. I want everyone to feel the love of the greatest thing I have ever seen.

Best movie of the year? Fast Five. Sit back and watch me wax this homo-erotic movie to a manly shine. After watching Ocean’s 11, the producers of Fast Five must of wondered how do you make George Clooney staring at Brad Pitt while he eats non-stop in every scene any gheyer? Maybe a sweaty wrestler coming between Vin Diesel and Paul Walkers’ sexual tension? And Fast Five was born.

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