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5 Worst Facebook Updates

HONORABLE MENTION – The ‘This week I am going to finally get my. . .’ post

This will include, but not limited to – fixing something, dieting, updating a blog, cleaning a room, be a great week, fit into some outfit, finish business something. We get it. You could have done all of that had you not just told us about how lazy you are.

5 – The ‘FML’ or ‘This is the worst week ever!’ post

Every week you are guaranteed to see at least 10 of these. It’s usually after someone’s car broke, or they got left behind from a party. That’s your worst week? A fixable problem? A bad haircut is a worst week. The week your pet dies is the worst week. The week you had to work overtime? Grow a pair.

4 – The ‘Last night was fun!’ or ‘I’m so excited!’ post

And that’s it. They never say why. They never include explanations. These posts are designed to have people fawn all over them asking what was so cool. You know who else does this? 9 year old girls on the playground. They just say ‘I have a secret’ and run away hoping someone will chase them. The posts about being excited for something almost always end in the event never happening, and then they have the worst week ever.

3 – The ‘Advice on money/house/job’ post

When I need financial advice, I ask an expert. Same with homes, mortgages, employment and marital advice. You know who I don’t ask? The people who have enough free time (read: no job) to offer up advice within minutes online. Because if you want to make a decision that affects you for the next 30 years, you want a reactionary response with an emoticon given by someone in a bathrobe.

2 – The ‘People are going to get it’ or ‘Karma’s a bitch’ post

Just like the last night was fun post, we are left hanging. These usually involve ex boy/girlfriends, lawsuits or drunken nights. And there are two responses to this post. The people begging to know what the heck is going on, and the people replying that they are totally on their side. And they should call or text them right away. You can hear the battle lines being drawn and camps being set up. I would be scared to death if I read a threatening post on facebook. This would be hilarious if the people committing this atrocity weren’t over 10.

1 – The ‘Praising (fill in the blank), who isn’t even on facebook’ post

The post about someone’s dad, grandma, best friends cousins pen pal. Usually telling them happy birthday or how wonderful they are. Except that the person being heralded isn’t on facebook. They are off functioning in the real world. What do you say about this post to the person it is about? “Oh hey there grandma! I told everyone that I wished you a happy birthday on facebook, instead of calling you and doing it in person.” These posts are designed to make the postee look wonderful and so thoughtful. When really all you have done is avoided talking to the person you say you care so much about.

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