Things Banned For My Kids

The Zion Curtain

Utah politicians are at it again, this time shielding our kids from alcohol. The new proposed law would require restaurants to POUR or OPEN a beer behind a wall or curtain. Then they bring it out to you to drink in public. So kids can watch beer being consumed, just not opened or poured.

I’m pretty sure if there were two mountain peaks on a Utah map that looked sort of like boobs, there is a politician trying to have them covered with pasties so kids don’t notice them while looking at a map. So in honor of the mo’tarded politicians, here is my list of things I want banned in view of my kids to save them.

– Skinny Jeans – I don’t want my sons thinking it’s OK to dress in girls clothing

– Pan Handlers – Now my kids wonder if the firemen collecting money in boots are just really innovative bums

– People who shop and pay for items while talking on cell phones – Can’t have my kids thinking it’s OK to be an a$$hole

– Twilight – My kids need to know that only strippers who forgot to wash off their body glitter sparkle in day light

– Cigarettes – I don’t want my kids thinking you can buy those, they only come from the evil smoke goblin

– People driving nice cars – I don’t want my kids knowing that some people have nicer things than others because they worked harder

– Trophies – Everyone gets one, or nobody. Can’t have my kids thinking that there might be winners and losers in the grown up world

– People with accents – If my kids find out there are other places than Utah, they might want to go there

– Naked people in movies – If my kids see a nude scene in a movie they might turn into perverts or realize what the curves under clothes really are

– Video games – If they play a violent one there is a 100% chance that they will kill you violently